Bill Cosby couldn't have been more prophetic with this statement. I wish i could have realized this in the early years of my life.
Back when i was a child up to my teens when i breathe in every chance to please my parents, my teachers, my peers, my relatives, my siblings, my neighbors...
Back when i was in college when it fills me with delight to do things for my friends, roommates, boardmates, schoolmates, teachers and my family....
Back when i started to work and my ultimate goal was to deliver and please my superiors and my colleagues.
I was...what one can say... a ship sailing freely by. I was contented of it for awhile. Laid no anchor... bore no roots... catered to the whims of everybody... but i made sure I PAID MY DUES.
One of my superiors commented that she can't find fault with my work. But if there's something that she thinks i should really learn: is the art of saying "NO".
And she was right, too. But still, borne out of habit i find myself in situations when I resolved to say "NO" but found myself, to my utter consternation, saying "YES".
Finally, i decided to get out of my comfort zone. Truly got out so far... out of the country. Maybe it is a desperate calling to myself to fill the void, the emptiness that was lurking in me.
This is not the first time that i have been with strangers. Total strangers. So different from the people i grew up with. So unlike the gentility that characterize the people coming from the peaceful place where i was raised.
As soon as my wobbly feet stepped on this land, things began to happen to me at once. It was as if, the hands of Fates are closing around me, ensnaring me, throwing me from one turmoil to the next.
And there's no safe avenue.
Before, even if my work was killing me with fatigue, i can look forward to a fitful , peaceful evening at home or in bed.
But here... that sense of peace is nowhere to be found. Everybody seems to be operating on some kind of self-defense mode. Every turn of the corner lurks a personal demon waiting to pounce on its unsuspecting victim. Every thump of the heart is a bomb just waiting to explode. Every laughter is an empty bell of self-doubt and false bravado. Every smile offered is suspect to revision as it flags of malice and mistrust. Everyone is an empty shell barely struggling to survive.
This place steals one's soul. And once again, i saw it. And it submerged me in a deafening roar, threatened to claim my spirit, almost drowned my principles and everything i perceived to be just and right. Almost.
The first time i dared speak: Oh God, it felt so great. It was liberating. And it served its purpose. Little by little i will learn. It's just a matter of time.
This is the time, when i need to be my strongest. I am here for a purpose. I am here for a cause. But most significantly, I AM HERE.
